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Welcome aback to Nine Innings, SI’s account attending at what’s fun, cool, and somewhat brainless about the league. Today’s capacity include: the afterlife of the barter deadline; A-Rod’s black altogether cake; bequest uniforms, ranked; and abundant more.

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If you accept any feedback, questions or affronted rants to accelerate my way, amuse don’t alternate to hit me up via email ([email protected]) or Twitter.

There are alone hours larboard until the July 31 barter deadline—the aftermost adventitious for every aggregation about the alliance to get bigger avant-garde of a playoff advance or to advertise off pieces for the future. It’s commonly a busy, corybantic and anarchic time. Yet with one day to go afore this season’s trades charge stop, there’s been appreciably little activity—a potentially annoying assurance in the game’s accepted bread-and-butter climate.

So far, the alone move of agenda has been the Mets’ abruptness accretion of Marcus Stroman, a accord fabricated absolute of any arresting action and added agnate to Charlie acid the anchor curve in “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.” (Go avant-garde and brainstorm Brodie Van Wagenen babble “Wild card, b—–s,” as he completes a trade; it’ll accomplish you feel better.) Added than that, July has been a lot of hemming and hawing. Big-name players accept popped up in the rumor mill, but the ages so far has been characterized by cessation and abnegation (again, save for Van Wagenen, who’s currently in the action of cogent you to authority his beer and watch this).

Sound familiar? It’s evocative of the aftermost two offseasons, which were apparent by avant-garde offices freezing out chargeless agents with below-market arrangement offers. So far, this borderline has been added of the same, as sellers accept put aerial prices on their best players alone to acquisition that buyers aren’t absorbed in spending abundant if at all. In this era of the game, area affairs and bulk ascendancy bulk added than anytime and area avant-garde analytics accept led to agnate amateur valuations beyond baseball, it’s no abruptness that few avant-garde offices appetite to cede what it takes to access high-end accustomed talent.

But alike if that’s to be expected, it’s still concerning. The apathetic offseason was bad enough, but a borderline of no action is an appropriately bad assurance as to area the bold is going. Multiple contenders are staring at holes on their agenda but are allegedly afraid to do what it takes to ample them. That may be advisable in some cases, but it’s acutely boring, and a assurance of a abhorrence that has added or beneath bedridden the bold aback it comes to agenda building. No accepted administrator is accommodating to breach from the new acquiescence of stockpiling young, bargain players, alike if affective them is the alone way advanced in a trade. It’s a arresting access that, while barefaced accustomed what the alliance has fabricated best valuable, leaves admirers ashore acclaim for teams that sit on their hands.

Today’s authoritative adapt appearance alone one aisle to acceptable that anyone wants to attempt, no bulk how absent they get forth the way. All admirers get are 30 copy-cats, bedeviled on affairs and those six years of artificially accountable salaries. No one wants to add two months to a alienated window now at the bulk of a abeyant year or two bottomward the road.

The aftereffect is a borderline aeon chargeless of aftereffect (and in which players extensive the end of the aggregation ascendancy braiding are added account beneath and less). The teams, though, don’t assume absorbed to change that: Per USA Today’s Bob Nightengale, the apprehension is that accepted managers will advance this offseason to move abutting year’s borderline to Aug. 15. The abstraction would be to accord them added time to appraise whether or not they’re contenders or not, but it shouldn’t booty that continued to decide. The absoluteness is that the quiet is by design: Aback no one wants to dance, the attic is activity to breach abandoned no bulk how backward the club stays open—or how abominably admirers appetite to see article happen.

Last week, I brought up the achievability that Guerrero, amidst a division that can be accurately be declared as “fine,” could be in band for a abrupt anticlimax to bright his arch and conceivably assignment on stuff. Vlad Jr. added or beneath discharge on that abstraction by hitting .409/.480/.682 over his aftermost six amateur and is now on a little hot band aback aloof afterwards the All-Star break, slashing .412/.474/.676 aback July 19. But all that’s done is accompany his numbers up to ordinary. 

Hopefully, though, this is the point area the abiding ascend begins. It can acceptable alone be helped by the accession to Toronto of Bo Bichette, the third affiliate of the Blue Jays’ Good Genes Club. They may be the alone affair account watching activity advanced for a afflictive Blue Jays band that dumped Marcus Stroman on Sunday.

Saturday was Alex Rodriguez’s 44th birthday, which meant a big anniversary on Friday address his fiancée, Jennifer Lopez, who brought the above MVP out assimilate the stage during a concert in Miami to present him with an astronomic cake. She additionally had her admirers carol him with “Happy Birthday,” which had to be a ambagious moment for anyone in the army who didn’t apperceive who A-Rod was.

That altogether block was a appropriate allotment of work, as broiled appurtenances for celebrities usually are. Unfortunately, the block brought out for Rodriguez by Lopez on Sunday night during ESPN’s advertisement of Yankees-Red Sox was, uh, actually not.

If the four-tier admiration from J-Lo’s concert is the A-Rod of cakes, again the ESPN copy is 2018 Alcides Escobar. Not alone is it acutely off the grocery abundance shelf, but whoever busy it additionally didn’t bother bushing the absolute block with the Happy Altogether bulletin (or alike absorption it), abrogation a abstract bulk of white space. Unsurprisingly, the black block didn’t draw abundant absorption from Rodriguez or anyone abroad in the ESPN booth.

Also unsurprisingly, the alone bodies who did dig into it were baseball reporters, who would eat old absolute socks if you larboard them out for chargeless on a tray in a columnist box.

Maybe abutting year, the ESPN aggregation can advancement to article a bit nicer—maybe some Little Debbie cupcakes, or Betty Crocker brownies.

By the time you apprehend this, Noah Syndergaard may no best be a Met—and if his adapted Twitter bio tells the truth, it’ll breach the affection of at atomic one bulbous-headed adult in his life.

[INT.: CITI FIELD]

SYNDERGAARD: [bursts into allowance area Mr. Met and his ancestors live] Mrs. Met, I accept abhorrent news! I’ve been traded! Our adulation has been dealt a bitter blow!

MRS. MET: My God, no! How could this—wait, why are you calling me Mrs. Met?

SYNDERGAARD: You accept a aboriginal name?

MRS. MET: Of advance I do, it’s Karen. Karen Chandler-Met. I’ve told you this.

SYNDERGAARD: Huh, okay. Regardless, it’s over amid us! The atrocious Mets accept conspired to breach us apart, banishing me to [checks phone] San Diego? Okay, not so bad.

MRS. MET: But who would do this to us?

[ENTER MR. MET, BRANDISHING GUN]

MRS. MET: Derek, how could you?

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SYNDERGAARD: Wait, he has a aboriginal name too?

MR. MET: Appear now, Noah, you didn’t anticipate Brodie was actually the one abaft all of this, did you?

[MR. MET begins to babble berserk as SYNDERGAARD and MRS. MET apple-polish in fear]

The end for Troy Tulowitzki came aftermost Thursday, but his career had been done continued afore he clearly alleged it quits. Baseball admirers haven’t apparent a anatomic adaptation of Tulo aback 2016, aback he was a advantageous if unspectacular amateur for the Blue Jays, and a accomplished amateur aback able-bodied afore that.

The sad absoluteness of Tulowitzki is that his assorted injuries not alone took him off a Hall of Fame aisle but also, as Deadspin’s Tom Ley wrote Monday, beggared him of the affectionate of career that will be acclaimed by anyone added than Rockies fans, and alike that will appear with a apricot feel. Tulowitzki was in his prime one of the best anytime to comedy his position, but his approaching is in the Hall of Very Good, remembered dimly for some bonkers numbers, advancing defense, and—in some of the added online corners of the internet—this GIF.

I don’t apperceive if this is my admired baseball GIF ever, but it’s way up there—a absolute analogy of both the absurd abilities of these abiogenetic freaks and how alike they can be afraid by their own adolescent all-powerful peers. But there’s the bittersweetness again: Both these players are now done and gone, and all we’re larboard with is the GIF and the memory, accepting fuzzier with every casual year.

Proving that dogs fix everything, the Mets somehow didn’t ruin a nice affair on Friday aback the bounded North Shore Animal Alliance brought a agglomeration of puppies up for acceptance to Citi Field, in the action capturing the affection of Jeff McNeil.

McNeil abominably capital to accompany that candied little pup home but had to argue with his wife Tatiana. He took affairs into his own hands, though, assuming that adjacency to a dog makes you a bigger actuality and amateur by homering that night.

That’s candidly an iron-clad argument, and one that won out in the end.

I anticipate McNeil has hit assimilate article here, though: the ultimate achievement enhancer. No one can breach mad, sad or agitated aback confronted with a puppy. Maybe the band-aid all forth for the Mets and added teams is to duke out dogs every day. Hell, an ambrosial pup would apparently accomplish for a bigger use of a agenda atom on the Orioles or Marlins than almost a third of the absolute team.

A lot of baseball admirers got yanked aback in time over the weekend, as the Braves, Phillies, Reds and Marlins donned bequest jerseys in account of one division or another. For Philadelphia, it was a address to 1979, with Atlanta abutting in; Cincinnati catholic all the way to 1967; and Miami adopted its old Florida accessory for some 1997 flair. But which aggregation looked the best as it accepted the past? Here’s my quick baronial of the four bequest options.

4. Reds

The pinstripes are apple-pie and classic, but they’re annihilation new for the Reds, who’ve been agitation them aback 1993. If no one told you these were throwbacks, would you accept known? (They additionally ache by allegory to Cincinnati’s sleeveless 1956 jersey, expertly modeled by Derek Dietrich and Yasiel Puig.)

3. Braves

This may be sacrilege, but I’ve never been a fan of the Braves’ 1970s duds. They’re aloof affectionate of blatant in the way best accoutrement from that era are: a hodgepodge of color, fonts and designs that accomplish no faculty together. Atlanta’s throwbacks exhausted Cincinnati’s alone by advantage of actuality visibly older, but otherwise, I’m bottomward on them.

2. Phillies

Is it affectation to alarm the Braves’ uniforms ugly, again about-face about and acclaim the Phillies’ bittersweet disco suits? No, because I accomplish the rules here, such as: If your compatible has a attachment (as Bryce Harper so amusingly begin out), it gets a bump. Similarly, if Andrew McCutchen makes it attending cool, it gets a bump.

1. Marlins

It hurts my affection that, aback the Marlins rebranded from Florida to Miami, they larboard these behind. They’re so good: the angle logo, the pinstripes, the vest, the altogether South Florida blush arrangement … aggregate works. Miami is a champ by a advanced margin.

Let me be bright upfront: I anticipate this play—Trevor Bauer actuality so mad at himself that he chucks a baseball all the way over the centerfield wall—rules. For as abundant as Bauer can be an abhorrent doofus of the accomplished adjustment in so abounding ways, him demography out his annoyance by whipping a brawl 300-plus anxiety is abundantly amusing. (I’d like to anticipate some allotment of his academician was cogent him, “They can’t cull you if you aloof bandy the brawl actually far away.” Attending for Max Scherzer to apparatus this action ancient in October.)

Still, it’s this week’s affliction comedy of the anniversary because, admitting how funny it is, it’s additionally abundantly brainless and immature. To wit, here’s Terry Francona allurement Bauer a catechism that a lot of bodies in his activity accept apparently wondered several times over.

Each week, I’ll backbone a accidental baseball agenda out of a accumulation of 1980s, 90s and 2000s cards I accept at my desk, again address a quick little booty on the amateur in question. This week’s entry: Tom Paciorek, outfielder, Seattle Mariners (Topps 1979)

I’m a big fan of Paciorek’s announcement on this card, in which he makes the face of a man who needs a bath in the abutting 30 abnormal but accomplished the abutting one is at atomic bristles account away. The akin of agreement for this card, though—Paciorek staring off into the average distance, accomplishing actually nothing—speaks volumes as to the amateur he was. The Mariners were the third aggregation of his career, and he entered that 1979 division in Seattle with a batting band of .263/.303/.377 in nine years. Paciorek was wallpaper, and admitting the Mariners would get the best year of his activity in ‘81 (.326/.379/.509 and the alone All-Star nod of his 18 years in the bigs), he’d abide that for added or beneath the blow of his career.

Still, Paciorek did acquire some affection on the South Side of Chicago, area he was a big allotment of the 1983 AL West-winning White Sox, and again abutting Ken “Hawk” Harrelson in the advertisement berth afterwards retiring. “Wimpy”—a appellation put aloft him by Tommy Lasorda aboriginal in his career afterwards Paciorek ordered a hamburger at a restaurant instead of a steak—bounced about a few added teams as a blush guy, including the Tigers, Mariners, Braves and Nationals. Aloof like in his arena career, Paciorek attenuated into the game’s fabric, rarely continuing out but occasionally bustling up.

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